Spokesman’s bad table manners that spoilt Pius’ big day at in-laws

It was a great day, and all plans were ready by last Saturday morning. The matatu we had hired arrived early enough. With helped the driver put some leaves around it to indicate that it would be ferrying people to a ceremony. To ensure that no policeman would stop us, the driver placed a wooden sign in front for them to see. ON HIGHER, the sign read.
As we did this, Pius and I explained to him that we may expect more people than had been planned for. Just then, Aunt Trufosa arrived with her daughter – both of them dressed for the occasion. Her daughter was not on the list.
My mother had left early to go to our neighbour’s to have her hair ‘burnt’. It was useless for she planned to wear a headgear on the day. “I don’t want to be embarrassed should the headgear fall down,” she said when I pointed this out.
With my father and Pius in black suits, I decided to look different. I put on my green Kaunda suit, and matched this with my white Reebok sports shoes. Soon Alfayo our neighbour arrived. He had come to apologize that he would not be able to join us. The shoes his son had brought him the day before, he said, were too small. “I don’t want to come with my Akala; the people of your wife may think that their girl got married into problems.” Though we expressed our remorse for him, inwards we were happy an extra slot had been created.
Next to arrive was my uncle who surprised us when he said that he had not eaten since the previous day. “The last time we made such a trip there was so much food but I could not eat since I was full. Today I am not making such a mistake.”
By 9.30 am, we were ready to leave. Besides Alfayo, three others did not make it. Before we left, we all converged in my father’s house for prayers. It was Aunt Albina who prayed. She did not even mention the purpose for our journey but repeatedly prayed for the matatu and the driver.
We arrived without a hitch, and after more prayers, two crates of soda Kubwa were brought. Mr. Lutta and my uncle knocked down two bottles in a matter of minutes, and were itching for a third.
We then had an introductions session, with our side led by Lutta, who sat next to Pius and kept consulting him. After this we were led out for a stroll. This was a clear indication that we needed to clear our stomachs in preparation for the real thing.
Before we went out, we were asked if any of us had any special needs. My grand aunt announced that she does not eat beef from a cow. When she was told that they could not tell if the beef was from a cow or a bull, she said that she would easily tell this by looking at it, and if it was from a cow, then “I’ll have to do with just chicken.”
Aunt Albina said that she only takes cocoa with undiluted milk. I gathered later that at home, she only can afford ‘strong tea’, but one must make maximum benefit from such ceremonies.
We came back to find the table full with food. There was fried beef, nyama choma, fried chicken, rice, ugali, fruits name them.
Seeing most of us confused, my uncle had a word of advice for us: “Avoid any food you are likely to find at home soon.” Ugali and sukuma were not touched by anyone, but chicken and chapati were over within minutes. While those who had suits and ties were sweating profusely as they ate, I was happy I had chosen a Kaunda suit.
Lutta, his plate full with chicken and beef, struggled with every piece he picked ensuring that no meat was left on any bone. It happened so fast. Lutta struggled with a hard piece of chicken so forcefully that his right elbow knocked off Pius’s plate, splashing the entire soup on Pius’s clean suit and messing his shirt and face.
Everyone stopped eating. Pius was led out of the room to another house where his wife wiped out the mess. Lutta, like everyone else, continued eating as if nothing happened, his shirt wet with sweat. My uncle returned most of his food.
When Pius came back, he was in no mood to speak to anyone, least of all, Lutta, which made the rest of the day cold since Lutta was the spokesperson.
We had more small talk before they brought tea accompanied by bread, scones, groundnuts and more chapati. I saw Lutta and my uncle take at least two cups. As per her request, Aunt Albina’s undiluted milk and cocoa were served separately, to the envy of other women who regretted having not made any special requests. Meanwhile, aunt Trufosa and Albina were filling their lessos with whatever food they could.
It was on our way back that my uncle explained why he had not eaten a lot.
“You see I mixed my chicken with chapati and waru. But it tasted so bad. It was only later that I discovered that I had taken pineapples thinking they were waru. To avoid embarrassment, I just kept quiet.”
We only smiled, being too full to laugh.